Getting back together after divorce is almost always a terrible idea.
You didn’t expect this, right?
You expect me to start this article in the most encouraging and motivating way possible.
You expect me to talk about how getting back together after divorce is a great idea.
And maybe you’ve even expected me to tell you that you should definitely try it at all costs.
I’m sorry to be a party pooper but I want to give you my honest and unfiltered advice.
I don’t want to tell you what you want to hear.
I want to tell you what you need to hear and I want to let you know that you need to be very careful.
It sounds so good and easy.
All you have to do is to kiss each other again, make love again and say that you are back together.
That’s how Hollywood movies sell you the idea of getting back together with an ex-partner or with an ex-spouse.
The truth, however, is often not like in the movies.
Here’s why getting back together after divorce is such a risky step.
1. Getting back together after divorce can ruin your life twice
Ask yourself the following questions:
Did I feel good during my divorce?
Did I experience no emotional turmoil at all?
Was I happy during this time?
I’m pretty sure that you’ve experienced a lot of emotional turmoil during this time.
And I’m also very confident that you haven’t been happy in a while during your divorce and after your divorce.
Now ask yourself the following question:
Do I want to make the same experience again?
Nobody can guarantee you that it will work out this time.
Of course, I also can’t guarantee you that it won’t work out.
But I can guarantee you that if you try it and it won’t work out, you will experience a lot of pain.
This pain can be stronger than when another relationship ends because you’ve tried it for the second time.
I just want you to be careful to not make any decisions that you later on regret.
2. Getting back together after divorce is only possible if you both wanted the divorce
What if both of you decided to get a divorce and now both of you decided to get back together?
Then getting back together after divorce can actually work.
You still have to be careful and you still risk getting heartbroken again but it can work.
What if one of you wanted the divorce but the other one didn’t?
Now you are in a tricky situation.
If one of you wanted the divorce but the other partner didn’t want it, there will always be a power imbalance.
I don’t recommend getting back together after divorce if you were in the situation.
In this case, it can actually be a big mistake because one partner just won’t get over the fact that the divorce happened in the first place.
There’s always this underline feeling of “what if he/she does it again?”
I don’t say that it’s impossible in the situation.
All I’m saying is that it’s very difficult to make it work under these circumstances.
3. Cheating makes getting back together almost impossible
What if one partner was cheating?
And yes, I really mean this.
If the divorce happened because either you cheated on her or she cheated on you, the attempt to get back together will most likely fail.
The trust has been broken and you can’t just ignore it.
I know couples have tried getting back together after a divorce when the issue of being unfaithful was a reason for the divorce.
It never worked out.
The divorce in itself was already a traumatizing event but the cheating made it even worse.
You’d be the first person I hear of who can make it work under these circumstances.
4. Ask yourself if you are in love or just lonely
Getting back together after divorce is only a good idea if you really love your ex-wife.
What if you don’t love her but you are feeling lonely?
Then do yourself a favor and don’t even think about getting back together after divorce.
Loneliness can make you do stupid things.
And getting back together with your ex-wife after divorce might be one of these stupid things.
You should never enter any relationship just because you’re lonely.
This is always a terrible idea but it’s an even more terrible idea ear when it’s a relationship with the one person who disappointed you in the past.
And she must have disappointed you in some way otherwise you would still be married.
5. The reason for your divorce can sabotage it a second time
What was the reason for your divorce?
Why did you decide to call it quits?
It’s important that you think about this reason again because it reveals whether or not getting back together after divorce is a good idea or not.
If you just had some disagreements and then, in the end, you decided that you can no longer live together, you can try getting back together.
If the divorce was mutually decided upon, then you can get back together.
But what if there was physical or emotional abuse from either one of you?
What if there was emotional neglect and a lack of love in the marriage?
What if you were no longer attracted to each other in your loft life suffered after a couple of years of being married?
In this case, you should think twice or three times before you even think about getting back together with your ex-wife.
Only get back together with her if the reason for your divorce was not in any way traumatizing.
6. Don’t traumatize your kids a second time
Do you have kids?
In case you don’t, you can skip this paragraph and go directly to the last point.
But if you have kids, you should really think about whether or not you want to traumatize him again.
I know this sounds like a very brutal statement, but it’s the truth.
A divorce can be very traumatizing for children.
In case you have children and you’ve been through a divorce, you already know what I’m talking about.
Now imagine your attempt of getting back together doesn’t work out and you put your children through the same traumatizing process a second time.
Do you really want to take this risk?
7. Getting back together after divorce has to happen slowly
No matter if you decide to take the risk or do not take the risk…
…give each other time.
Getting back together after divorce shouldn’t be a rush decision and a fast process.
Give yourself and your ex-wife the time you need to make this work.